Alli’s Dating Theories – Part One

I have to admit up front that while I started living up to this particular theory a couple of years ago, it wasn’t a formal theory as such until a wise person brought it to my attention.

You have to scare them off.

But wait, isn’t the entire-fucking-point of dating, especially online dating, to entice someone and garner their interest? To stand out from the masses of damaged-goods as a bright, shiny, perfect specimen of datability?

Well sure, but unless you’re authentically being yourself, in all your charmingly weird glory, you will not actually accomplish this goal by putting on a grand show. Oh, sure, everything will be nice dinners and scintillating conversation, flowers and lights-off sex, but after a while, you realize that dating takes way too much effort. The problem is two-fold. First, you’ve put up a contrived front of fabulosity that must be maintained, lest you disappoint your new beau. Second, and the real crux of the problem, is that the beau you’ve attracted is the kind of person your pretend self wants, and probably isn’t right for the you that’s been suppressed.

Take heed – this shit is important. You won’t end up with someone you’ll actually like.

So I say, scare them off. Are you afraid that your, shall we say, slightly off sense of humor will be off putting? Do NOT hide that! Put it out there, or you’ll spend your time censoring yourself and making up excuses for why you laugh every time his Mom says she prefers taking the back way in.

Is farting the upper echelon of humor for you? Try locking the car windows and letting out a hot wave of death to see what happens. Sure, most people will flee, and maybe relaunch their last meal, but that one special someone will water your eyes with her own brand.

The point is quality over quantity.  Your search for love may take longer this way, but it will be far more likely to end well.

I’ll give an example of scare-them-off in action.  My very first date arranged online was a nice, but uneventful dinner.  The guy seemed reasonably intelligent, but the conversation, while not forced or awkward, was limited to bland small talk.  By the end of the meal, I was on the fence as to whether or not I’d try a second date.  Then he offered to walk me to my car.  We stopped at my little hatchback, and he stammered, “that’s your car?” while eyeing the bloody hand prints on the rear windshield.

“Why yes,” I replied.  Sensing his nervousness, I tried to reassure him.  “I put them up at Halloween.”

“But, it’s July.”  He seemed distressed.  “And you have a small child.”

“Oh, she won’t let me take them down.  She got very upset when I said I needed to clean the window.”

He quickly shook my hand and murmured something about being in touch.  We never did go on a second date.  I might have wasted more time on getting to know him, but his reaction to my very mildly morbid decor told me everything I needed to know.  It just wouldn’t work.


Channeling Cornholio

Late night weirdness seems to run in my family.  A few hours after dinner, something  happens, and the the shenanigans begin.  When I was a teenager, my Mom would burst into my room at roughly 9:30 most nights, strike a dramatic pose, then wander around my room poking things while announcing, “I’m touching your stuff Alli! Alli! I’m touching your stuff!”

It happens to me too, only I have the internet and random strangers on which to inflict my giddy weirdness.

It did start off on an incoherent note.  I just work with what I’m given!

pretty open relationship…sounds like complication…lol!

There was something almost poetic about that message.  I counted out the syllables, and realized why.

So close to being a haiku:

Pretty open re-
lationship…sounds like compli-
cation… El Oh El

Okay so it’s a little awkward.  In my defense, the life of a grad student/single working mom doesn’t involve a lot of sleep, and I was up late doing homework.

You speak Japanese?

I pondered this question for a moment.  I mean, haikus are Japanese in origin, but why would one feel that mentioning them would indicate speaking the language?  I was baffled.

And then the answer came to me, and I giggled like a mad woman.  I giggled until I could see clearly enough to type the message.  I giggled for several minutes afterward.  And then I started talking like Cornholio.  It’s a good thing all of my group work is done over google docs.  Skype would have been disastrous for me last night.

I speak CRAPanese fluently.

I may have the dumbest sense of humor ever, but at least I can send myself into fits.

I’d rather go out with Cleverbot

Screen names have been changed to protect the dimwitted.

A single father who describes himself as looking to settle down and perhaps create a blended family sent me a message this afternoon. Note, only sheer morbid curiosity prompted me to click through to view his profile, because there was absolutely nothing compelling about what he sent.

what is your yahoo messenger? My pics are on my yahoo messenger

My initial reaction was to respond with a bland “that’s nice.” You know, the sort of thing you say to a 5 year old who has a tendency to vocalize every thought that crosses her brain and you can’t really be bothered to respond meaningfully to her monologue about why tall socks are superior to short socks, or her observations on the politics of cupcake sharing in class. But I dug deep and realized that this could really go somewhere.

People actually use yahoo messenger?

Are you a bot?

I don’t know a single person who uses yahoo. I do know a lot of scantily clad women who really want me to visit their websites use it, though.

no I am not a bot lol, are you?
add me on yahoo messenger douchebot5001 I love that you are into the warrior dash lifestyle we can run a few together….I am doing a mud run in April I can’t wait:)


And a few minutes later

Waiting lol douchebot5001 yahoo

This guy really, really likes yahoo.  I had to suppress several urges to respond with “Shut your impatient whore mouth!”  Not this time.

I think you are a bot! Every time I check my yahoo mail (for spam only), I have several messages from chat bots saying I should message them for pics. Now, normally they are impossibly attractive women who have clearly been, shall we say, aesthetically enhanced, but maybe single dad from Michigan* is a new angle they are trying. I’m not convinced that you’ve passed the Turing test yet.

Which would you rather fight? A monkey armed with a shiv, or a nervous bank robber armed with a potato gun? Justify your answer.

Anyway, I don’t use yahoo messenger. Too many bots.

I’d go for the monkey, only I’d hypnotize it and turn it into my own personal shiv-wielding simian bodyguard.

How would a not know about your mud run and that u like radio head and that u spoke about cynicism ….I liked that. I am at work now I get out at ten lets talk then…

Add me
I just thought what if u r the not.

I like monkeys too much to fight them

I’m going to conduct an experiment. I’m going to post the first paragraph of my profile to Cleverbot and see how it responds. Because all this guy did was grab some keywords out of my info and turn it into gibberish.

Sure, I will add you to my imaginary, non-existent yahoo dealy.

My screen name is:

How does Cleverbot stack up?

CB: What do you want to talk about?
Me: Monkeys with shivs.
CB: And?
Me: Bank robbers with potato guns.
CB: Thanks!
Me: Which would you fight, a monkey with a shiv, or a bank robber with a potato gun?
CB: Ninja! Wait, they’re all human, aren’t they??
Me: I think you are a bot!
CB: I am no bot, I am a can of beans.

You know, Cleverbot wasn’t any less nonsensical, however, its grammar is far better than Steve’s. I’m going to call this a win for Cleverbot, because that conversation was way more entertaining.

*Note to stalkers – I’m not in Michigan. Aren’t I nice to narrow that down for you?

I believe I’ve figured out this year’s Halloween costume

I’ll admit to being inappropriate even when unprovoked, but I really have no shame when someone else instigates.  I received this thoroughly charming message, and had to wonder,  does this approach actually work for guys?

You have an lovely smile, if I may say so! Any interest in threesomes? Joe

I thought about asking about his success rate with that kind of opening email, but then the devil on my shoulder* started whispering sweet nothings into my ear.  I’m pretty sure he “silenced” his better-natured counterpart quite some time ago.

Yes, but only if I can wear a dildo on my head and pretend that I’m a unicorn from the porniverse.

Joe’s reply was lame.  Come on Joe, I give you great material, and this is what you give me?

Sorry if I offended you. How is your week so far? Joe

Honestly some days I have no idea why I bother.  Joe, this was your cue to get creative, to be silly, to redeem yourself from the steaming pile of presumptuous crap you first sent, to shake off the eau-de-creeper and reveal yourself as a worthwhile human being.  I am sorely disappointed in you, Joe, but I will keep trying.  I will not give up on you, you hear?!

LAME. Pornicorn will peg you with her 10-inch purple, glittery horn.

I think I’m known on the metro as “girl who giggles insanely at her phone.”

I’m actually very attracted to strapon play, with the right partner, of course.

Oh, I’ve got a partner for you!

Disclaimer:  No ponies were harmed in the making of this blog post.  Furthermore, I have no problem with threesomes or strap-on play.  Just with controlling my tendency to be a smart ass to anyone trying to take me at face value.

That pony will take you at face value.
(I have no idea what that means.)

In which I didn’t actually start the weirdness

Apparently I’m not the only one out there sending off paragraphs of absurdity to either amuse or frighten the recipient.  Personally, I hope for the latter, but the former also amuses me, so it’s win-win.

Anyway, I received this message, and due to his penchant for the ridiculous, and supposed involvement in zombie movies, I was immediately willing to overlook the fact that the guy lived a couple hours away.

O’ Galactic Lord! Please deliver us from the Birdman, whom I almost sure really exists because I saw all of those eggs at the grocery that time and that Spanish lady working in produce was so dismissive when I asked her about it.

Well, I just exited a seagull cult. Thought I should say that upfront so there’s no misunderstandings. People ask me how I got sucked in to something like that. All I can say is that they made a really convincing argument.

New ideas? Well, currently I am trying to get one of the local squirrels to run for Prime Minister. I’m sure if you heard his speech on buried nuts, you would most certainly come on board. :)

Of course, I just had to respond.  Also I was babysitting a registration desk outside a seminar and was bored out of my skull.

I will never trust a squirrel. Not after I was badly screwed out of an inflatable refrigerator deal by a charming but devious little fuzzy-tailed trickster who ran off with all of the capital I raised.

Scheming jerks, all of them.

I received a few messages in a row after my response, and I was thoroughly entertained.  However, I had to travel back home from said seminar, and didn’t log in to respond until the evening.

Exactamente!!! Well, that may have been a blessing in disguise. Most of those inflatable refrigerators were recalled because they kept floating away every time someone put Light Butter or any such light diet product inside it. Even turkey sausage could cause this phenomenon.

Oh my, those squirrels. Sublimely clever. I had a similar instance where these two squirrels were posing as otters and sold me season tickets to a water theme park. Now, the only thing I knew about otters is that they have long, slender bodies and an awesome coat of under fur. Anyone would have fallen for that, even though it was obvious squirrels don’t have either of those characteristics.

Are you one of those zombie people? I have (sometimes unwillingly) starred in many low budget horror movies through the years and am now by default undeniably part of the horror film industry. Well, I do go to the horror conventions and such cause my movies are sometimes playing there. It is a wonderfully great alternative part of my life for the last decade or so.

The next message had more about common interests based on what I list in my profile, and the third was very short:

Oh shit, yeah that was a little too much. Well, all nite study, 3 hours sleep + awesomely strong coffee does that. At least its not boring. Well sorry, feel free to write way too much back as payback.

By the time I went to respond that evening, he had deleted his profile!  Tragic, just utterly tragic.  I shall never meet this kindred spirit of the ridiculous.

How I amuse myself on the metro

I received a message from a 21 year old who clearly thinks he has life figured out. He also annoyingly points out in his profile that he gets mad when other guys talk about how their big dicks get them girls, because HE has found that being well-endowed makes it difficult to be physical with some women.* Yes. We all need to know that you think you are in possession of a trousersaurus.* Pardon me while I swoon.


Here’s what he sent me:

I was just wondering if you would be interested in getting to know the man who’s going to (potentially) woo you =]. You should get to know a swell guy like myself who actually knows what he’s doing. I figured there’s no harm in asking :) Matt

My response:

Actually I prefer not to meet the people I date. I find that one retains that air of mystery this way.

Also, at 21 I’m not sure one can truly know what one is doing. Unless you’re talking about how to nurse a norwegian barking orchid back to health. Try as I might, I can’t get the lethargic thing to emit more than a wet cough. I’ve tried everything, even the controversial practice of planting it near a balinese hissing cactus in hopes that competition with it’s natural enemy would inspire it. No such luck. I’m about to trade it in for a nice, gentle creole chomping shrub.

I was disappointed not to hear back.

*But you’re not like other guys who brag about their giant penises.  No, you’re better because you complain.